Hello Internet Friends,
Yours truly is no longer in her 20’s. That’s right, a little under a week ago I turned the big, scary 3-0 ! Honestly, I was not handling it well at all. I was freaking out weeks prior to saying goodbye to my 20’s. Like any other year, every time I get a year older, I start to analyze and take inventory of my life. What’s missing? Where am I at? What’s my path? What have I achieved? The feeling was overwhelming while everything else was underwhelming.
Turning 30 meant that I don’t get to make excuses anymore. I can’t say “Oh but I am in my 20’s so it’s okay if I mess up. It’s a confusing time in life and I’ll figure it out by the time I am 30.” Well, I’m 30 and I am at square one. I started a whole new path in my career. I am re-evaluating my financial situation (damn you, student loans!) and coming up with a new budget to live on. It’s been a tough couple of months since my new budget doesn’t leave room for much else besides paying the bills.
Since becoming a freelancer, I realized what I needed to make me feel comfortable. As much as I thought I could sacrifice the nicer things in life, I realized that I really, really like nice things. I’m not talking about an expensive purse or jewelry, but there are certain things I love to splurge on. For example, having a pricey, boozy brunch on a Sunday with my friends without having to think about the cost of it is a luxury to me. Having funds to take short trips is something I NEED to keep me sane. After looking at my budget and how I earn money, it didn’t add up and I freaked out. I freaked out big time. I’m talking about crying into a pillow kinda freaking out. For weeks I felt that sense of panic until I decided to take action. I’m currently working hard to change things and I know that sooner or later, it’s going to get better.
Hmmm, remember when I mentioned in my last post about consistently dating someone? Well, this is a major let down, but we are no longer dating. I won’t go into details about it but it took me about a week to see that it was my fault. During my freaking out phase, I felt this need to control other things around me because a big part of me felt like I couldn’t control a damn thing. I tried to control this other person’s reaction to the crappy way I communicated feelings. It’s like, the more I want to feel reassured and safe, the more I end up pushing people away. What really sucks about it is I really did liked this guy and he’s a really decent person that treated me with respect. I’d even go on to say that I adored him. I hope that one day I’ll get to apologize and explain myself even though it won’t change the fact that he no longer wants to date me.
Well, this is 30. I am learning to let go of the need to control the things I have no control over, the need to hold on to grudges to prove a point, and I am embracing the journey to positive personal changes. Fingers crossed that the pieces fall into place sooner than later.
Until next time,