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Adventure In Letting Go

Hello Internet Friends,

Yours truly is no longer in her 20’s. That’s right, a little under a week ago I turned the big, scary 3-0 ! Honestly, I was not handling it well at all. I was freaking out weeks prior to saying goodbye to my 20’s. Like any other year, every time I get a year older, I start to analyze and take inventory of my life. What’s missing? Where am I at? What’s my path? What have I achieved? The feeling was overwhelming while everything else was underwhelming.

Turning 30 meant that I don’t get to make excuses anymore. I can’t say “Oh but I am in my 20’s so it’s okay if I mess up. It’s a confusing time in life and I’ll figure it out by the time I am 30.” Well, I’m 30 and I am at square one. I started a whole new path in my career. I am re-evaluating my financial situation (damn you, student loans!) and coming up with a new budget to live on. It’s been a tough couple of months since my new budget doesn’t leave room for much else besides paying the bills.

Since becoming a freelancer, I realized what I needed to make me feel comfortable. As much as I thought I could sacrifice the nicer things in life, I realized that I really, really like nice things. I’m not talking about an expensive purse or jewelry, but there are certain things I love to splurge on. For example, having a pricey, boozy brunch on a Sunday with my friends without having to think about the cost of it is a luxury to me. Having funds to take short trips is something I NEED to keep me sane. After looking at my budget and how I earn money, it didn’t add up and I freaked out. I freaked out big time. I’m talking about crying into a pillow kinda freaking out. For weeks I felt that sense of panic until I decided to take action. I’m currently working hard to change things and I know that sooner or later, it’s going to get better.

Hmmm, remember when I mentioned in my last post about consistently dating someone? Well, this is a major let down, but we are no longer dating. I won’t go into details about it but it took me about a week to see that it was my fault. During my freaking out phase, I felt this need to control other things around me because a big part of me felt like I couldn’t control a damn thing. I tried to control this other person’s reaction to the crappy way I communicated feelings. It’s like, the more I want to feel reassured and safe, the more I end up pushing people away. What really sucks about it is I really did liked this guy and he’s a really decent person that treated me with respect. I’d even go on to say that I adored him. I hope that one day I’ll get to apologize and explain myself even though it won’t change the fact that he no longer wants to date me.

Well, this is 30. I am learning to let go of the need to control the things I have no control over, the need to hold on to grudges to prove a point, and I am embracing the journey to  positive personal changes. Fingers crossed that the pieces fall into place sooner than later.

Until next time,

XOXO

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4 thoughts on “Adventure In Letting Go

      1. Haha good to know. Great minds think alike right? Yea totally, we should probably stop measuring milestones with age. Maybe just take the milestones in and by itself. We have our own pace, our own worries and goals. I think life would be less stressful if we can just accept that part of it.

        Liked by 1 person

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